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Other things have happened, things that have caused me to seriously evaluate myself. More than at any other eventful period in my life (perhaps), this phase has revealed to me that the world outside myself can really get me wrong. I've dealt with guilt (self- and otherwise imposed) for having even less time with Mini Mo each day than I had before, for having to depend on even more people to help take care of her (so blessed to have wonderful folks in my life), for having a tough time figuring out dinner most nights, for having even less inclination to de-shamble my house. I've been planning to fantabulize Mini Mo's room since before she was born, and I haven't really gotten around to it--two and half years later.
Yet, I'm proud of myself and I like myself. I dared to try something new in my life, and I'm more fulfilled because of it. I recognize my shortcomings and am cool with myself in spite of them. I teach, converse with, listen to, discipline, indulge, learn from and treasure Mini Mo. I try to make sure my whole family gets quality time together and to simply show love, even with our ridiculously busy schedules. I let my hubby know that our relationship, as the root of our family, is paramount. I'm smart, I'm funny (sometimes in ways that only I understand), I'm kind and I'm pensive. I'm working to help others--and I'm a work in progress.
But sometimes the world outside myself can make me question my plusses, the extent to which I like my otherwise confident self, and downright judge me like nobody's business. It gets to be pretty heavy at times. So the other day, I got real with myself and said, "Self, sometimes you have to encourage yourself, and you have to take some time to be happy with yourself." The time I spent doing both of those things was invaluable, and I have a new commitment to them, to myself. More importantly, I think this attention to myself will make me a better woman, wife, mother, friend and person.
I'm not perfect, but I'm feeling myself--and I'm not counting on others to do that for me. I simply don't have time.
This is quite a pro-Mommy, pro-you post, and I am in full support of it! I've grappled with a lot of the things you're talking about here, especially the time with my daughter portion. I even feel guilty about what kind of things we're doing when we're together--more often than not, I pick her up from school on my way home from work, she eats her own separate dinner because I am too exhausted to cook a real meal, we sit together and watch an episode of Bubble Guppies, and then it's time for her to go to bed. It's hard not to mentally kick myself and say, "You are establishing bad habits early, and you're not even spending any kind of quality time with her by sitting around watching television. You should be engaged with her and teaching her every waking moment!" And then I realize: people have a finite amount of energy, even toddlers. People need a break in learning so that they can take some time to absorb what they've been taught that day. If that means she gets 30 minutes of vegging out time, I'm going to forgive myself allowing that to her.
ReplyDeleteThat might be one of the most difficult parts of motherhood--forgiving ourselves. Somehow it's much easier to forgive literally everybody else in this wide world, but I personally struggle with forgiving myself my own shortcomings. I'm glad to see that you're establishing in-roads with your own Self in order to allow forgiveness and reflection. The guilt isn't going to help anyone, but teaching Mini Mo how to love herself in spite of (and even because of!) her own imperfections is a beautiful thing. :)
You are an awesome mommy because you are putting your best foot forward. Priscilla Shirer said something last night that still gives me chills. She stated that our best will never be good enough, but God is good enough for us. Any guilt or shame is never a gift from God. I am learning how I will never be perfect, my personality sometimes gets the best of me. Keep Encouraging Yourself! Surround yourself around awesome positive and Godly women. Love ya Mo!
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