Happy Being Me

Image courtesy of HealthWorks

*Cough, cough* Goodness--I just wiped the cobwebs off this thing. It's been a hot minute, and a lot has happened in the interim. For starters, I got a new job that has completely changed the way I prioritize my time. This blog has not made the cut--but I've missed it.

Other things have happened, things that have caused me to seriously evaluate myself. More than at any other eventful period in my life (perhaps), this phase has revealed to me that the world outside myself can really get me wrong. I've dealt with guilt (self- and otherwise imposed) for having even less time with Mini Mo each day than I had before, for having to depend on even more people to help take care of her (so blessed to have wonderful folks in my life), for having a tough time figuring out dinner most nights, for having even less inclination to de-shamble my house. I've been planning to fantabulize Mini Mo's room since before she was born, and I haven't really gotten around to it--two and half years later.

Yet, I'm proud of myself and I like myself. I dared to try something new in my life, and I'm more fulfilled because of it. I recognize my shortcomings and am cool with myself in spite of them. I teach, converse with, listen to, discipline, indulge, learn from and treasure Mini Mo. I try to make sure my whole family gets quality time together and to simply show love, even with our ridiculously busy schedules. I let my hubby know that our relationship, as the root of our family, is paramount. I'm smart, I'm funny (sometimes in ways that only I understand), I'm kind and I'm pensive. I'm working to help others--and I'm a work in progress.

But sometimes the world outside myself can make me question my plusses, the extent to which I like my otherwise confident self, and downright judge me like nobody's business. It gets to be pretty heavy at times. So the other day, I got real with myself and said, "Self, sometimes you have to encourage yourself, and you have to take some time to be happy with yourself." The time I spent doing both of those things was invaluable, and I have a new commitment to them, to myself. More importantly, I think this attention to myself will make me a better woman, wife, mother, friend and person.

I'm not perfect, but I'm feeling myself--and I'm not counting on others to do that for me. I simply don't have time.

Spotlight On: Valenrich Wellness, LLC and Dr. Nadia M. Richardson

From a recent Valenrich Wellness flyer

I'm happy to share the first installment in what I'm hoping will be a fruitful, insightful "Spotlight On..." series here on the blog. As I've thought about the women I personally know--those who are making strides to positively impact Black women's issues and wellness--I decided to learn more about them through conversations and to share their work with as many folks as I can.

Thus, I am excited to feature the first spotlight on Valenrich Wellness, LLC, founded by Dr. Nadia M. Richardson. Nadia and I took some time to chat about her work and what she hopes to accomplish. What ensued was a revealing discussion about the stigma of mental health concerns among young people, particularly college-aged Black women at predominantly White institutions (PWIs). Here's our conversation:

MB:

First, tell us a little about your organization.

NR:

Sure. My professional background is a bit diverse. I came out of the nonprofit sector and went into education; specifically student affairs within institutions of higher education.

MB:

What kind of nonprofit work did you do?

NR:

I worked with the Institute of International Education and the United Negro College Fund Special Program's Institute for International Public Policy. Those were the two big nonprofits I worked with professionally but I've been involved in the nonprofit sector as a volunteer for as long as I can remember.

I've always participated in programming or research that explored issues of diversity and focused primarily on issues of race, class, gender, and ethnicity. I developed courses about social justice, diversity, and identity development. While teaching a class, I incorporated hidden disabilities (specifically mental illnesses) into a lecture on diversity and, after the lecture, I had a student disclose her mental health status to me. It made me wonder how many students over the years I had interacted with but who did not feel comfortable disclosing their mental health concerns. Or worse, how many students with mental health concerns did I interact with who were silently struggling or feeling unsupported by their campuses? That curiosity led to my research on the experiences of college students with mental health concerns. Valenrich Wellness sort of came out of my research findings and the expressed interest of campus professionals such as faculty and student affairs staff.

MB:

Hmm...So even campuses with student counseling services...you noticed some lapses with available services and students' feelings about getting help for their hidden disabilities?

NR:

Absolutely.  I heard several different stories. Some students did not know that their campuses had a counseling center. Some felt guilt for experiencing mental health concerns and relied on informal forms of support such as religion, friends, denial, or substance abuse.

Others went for perhaps a single counseling session and felt as though they didn't have anything in common with their counselor and so there was little they were able to get from the interaction. But what I really learned was that there were different layers as to why the women that I spoke to in my particular study experienced mental health concerns the way they did.

In my study, I combined my established interest in traditionally underrepresented communities with my emerging interest in and commitment to mental wellness. With that in mind, I interviewed Black female college students with mental health concerns at a predominantly White institution.

There already exists a good amount of research on the experiences of Black students at PWIs but few that focus on their mental wellness and experiences with mental health concerns.

MB:

What are some of those layers which seem unique to Black women on these campuses, regarding mental health concerns?

NR:

What I learned was that various forms of discrimination (institutional, covert, micro-aggressions, etc.) encouraged the study participants to commit to mentally distressing performances of identity. Some of the layers that are unique to Black women is this idea that you have to be strong at all times; an idea that is historically rooted in the justified inhumane labor of Black women and has been passed down through generations as a socio-cultural rite of passage into Black womanhood.

MB:

Ah, yes. I've heard about this idea. Joan Morgan calls it the "strongblackwoman" idea in When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost.

NR:

Absolutely!

MB:

So, how did you go from your interests in underrepresented communities and your research to creating Valenrich?

NR:

I am a believer in participatory action research. I don't want to just publish work; I want that work to inform community efforts that can have a positive impact on various communities. During the course of my research, I repeatedly heard from colleagues that this was information that needed to be shared. Through Valenrich, I develop specific training, lectures, and advocacy workshops that use research to make issues of mental health, discrimination, and diversity link in a way that is understandable and accessible to everyone.

It is a way to assist universities in fostering student mental wellness by actively addressing issues of diversity on their campuses and providing faculty and staff with the tools they need to support students with mental health concerns. It is also a way to dismantle the fear and stigma that many have regarding mental health. If professors are fearful of students with mental health concerns, they are much less likely to be of any assistance to [the mental health concerns'] persistence.

MB:

Now that you're Dr. Nadia Richardson, are you working with Valenrich Wellness full-time, or are you working on a college campus too?

NR:

Valenrich is my full-time gig right now but I am still looking for the right position. Perhaps a faculty position.

MB:

Students definitely need you in the classroom, and they need to know that mental wellness is of the utmost importance. That leads me to my next question. In the grand scheme of things, what's the most important thing you want people to know about the work you're doing?

NR:

I believe that stigma about mental health continues because we don't allow ourselves to be honest about how we feel and proactive about addressing those things that truly threaten our mental well-being. Racism, sexism, ableism, classism and all the other -isms that are too abundant to name in this conversation all threaten our mental health. Speaking our truth, valuing ourselves, letting go of the guilt that we accept for not being some unreachable form of 'perfection,' and actively addressing the various forms of discrimination continue to exist are crucially important to ourselves and our communities.

MB:

Yes! I wish we had more room discuss all of those things! Given your emphasis on college students, though, would you say that there's something about that kind of environment that either exacerbates or concentrates those -isms you pointed out? Are young adults particularly vulnerable to those forces that threaten mental well-being?

NR:

It is both important and useful to address mental health concerns in college students because it is during the traditional college-age years when students are away from home for the first time and adjusting to a new environment that mental health concerns surface. I believe that universities fall short in fully equipping students for our increasingly diverse world or to think about diversity in complex ways that would, for example, allow someone to understand mental health socially rather than medically. If a person has bi-polar depression for which there is no 'cure', that diagnosis for all intents and purposes impacts their perspective and informs their identity.  However, universities continue to graduate students who have never so much as had a diversity and/or social justice class and are therefore ill-equipped to be reflective contributors to society. I hope I'm making sense.

I think what I am trying to say is, in order for the fear and stigma of mental health to be dismantled, we have to be willing to see and understand mental health in different ways and consider how our society contributes to mental distress by turning a blind eye to discrimination.

MB:

Yes, that absolutely makes sense, especially since we're talking about hidden disabilities. It makes sense for institutions of higher learning to train academically, vocationally and socially.

Just as progress has been made in terms of accommodating and learning about disabilities we can see (though much more progress is necessary), we need awareness for mental health concerns, too. What an important mission.

How can people find out more about Valenrich Wellness, and how can they reach you?

NR:

Thanks. I'm excited about the possibilities and very passionate about the work.

Thank you again for thinking of me and inviting me to be a part of your series. I am so excited to share this information with you.

MB:

You're so welcome! I love it, and I love that you're tackling such a traditionally taboo issue. Our communities need this kind of awareness, and it's great that you're tapping into higher education to do that.

NR:

Valenrich Wellness has a website in the works - www.valenrich.com. If people are interested, they can also connect on facebook (www.facebook.com/ValenrichWellness) or twitter (@ValenrichLLC).

I thoroughly enjoyed chatting with Nadia and tapping into some of those issues which continue to stigmatize the active pursuit of attaining mental wellness. Nadia is passionately fighting that stigma. Be on the lookout for Valenrich Wellness events!

"We Just Don't Want to Know" About Others' Pain

While attending a wonderful panel by members of the Crunk Feminist Collective a couple of weeks ago, I was inspired by a particular idea surrounding self-care. One way that we can care for ourselves is to acknowledge that we need to lean on others sometimes. I'm blessed to have a wonderful circle of sister-friends, and I have invited them to begin sharing their thoughts on this blog as guest bloggers. The first to do so, Kemobi, touches on the very ideas that 1) sometimes we need to reach out to others and 2) sometimes we need to take the time to hold someone else when they reach out. Enjoy and contemplate her heartfelt message below.

~Moka B.

Good morning....So I am sitting at work going through some paper work and jammin' to one of my playlists. I haven't listened to this particular playlist in a while, so I forgot the rotation of the songs. One of my FAVORITE songs comes on..."You Just Don't Want to Know" by Marvin Winans (see video below from YouTuber Shaun Peck). I love the lyrics to this song....they are so POWERFUL!  If you have time, I suggest that you look it up and listen to it, but if not, it is a song that talks about pain from the absence of not being able to go to someone to talk to about pain, hardships, mistakes made, advice, etc. It specifies that, many times when people are hurting, they don't reach out for help because they are scared of what others may think or the judgments that may come along with their confession. However, when someone does get the courage to speak up and expose whatever it is going on in their lives, often times many of us are "too busy"--thus "We Just Don't Want to Know." Now the roles that are taken on in life are numerous: mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, our titles on our jobs, our roles and responsibilities at our places of worship...Trust me. I know the list can go on for miles. So I know how busy we can be.

In this journey called life, I have learned that "THINGS HAPPEN," that no matter how perfectly planned and subconsciously in control of our lives we think we are, things happen. I can hear my childhood pastor saying now, "If you haven't had hardships in life yet... just keep on living." He was sooooooo right.  I believe that GOD has a plan for each and every one of our lives (if we submit), plans not to harm us but to prosper us and to bring us hope and a future (paraphrasing Jeremiah 29:11). I will be the first to admit that sometimes I have gotten caught up with the busy pace and the pressures of life and have stepped on GOD's toes!! Sorry GOD! (Sorry, I digress..Lol. So many thoughts and typing fast!!)

Anyways, when things happen to people close to us (and people who may not be as close), and they choose to share, let us (myself included) not blow them off because "I'm so busy." Let's take a minute and be there for that person. I feel that this can be done in so many ways with today's modern technology. Whatever method works for you...make the pledge to be there!!! Let's change it to "We Want to Know, We Care, and We're There"!!!! Yes it is true, we might be "SO BUSY," but I shudder to think that we are "TOO BUSY" to be there for someone.

Romans 15:1: Now we that are strong should bear the infirmities of the weak....(paraphrasing again) LET'S KEEP EACH OTHER LIFTED, LADIES!!!!

"Our Love for Each Other": Gabby Douglas & Another Look at the Life Balance Conference

Really, this is not another Gabby Douglas post although I do want to congratulate Douglas's history-making accomplishments! Way to go, and keep doing your thing, young lady--correction: Gold-Medal-Winning Olympian!

Though this post is not about Douglas or her hair, the haterism about which has been covered here, here, and here in particular (where she directly addresses the silliness of all the talk), it is about black women's love for each other, and we'll start with this hair discussion briefly.

I mean, check the hardware!

Black women know all too well how sensitive the issue of our hair is, and the rest of the world is learning quickly. However, no matter where a woman stands on perms or gels, we have got to learn how to treat each other with love. For instance, I have a preference for chemical-free hair, but I don't begrudge anybody their choice to embrace relaxers. One of the wonderful things about living in the 21st century is that, while we still have a way to go, we're enjoying a time in which great strides in gender and race politics have been realized. That means we're increasingly able to rock perms, 'fros, locs, and sew-ins, and it's all becoming acceptable.

Yet, we still have women within our communities policing other women's choices and effectively causing division where there should be love. Why did we have black women taking to Twitter to tear down another black woman who was representing her country on the world stage? Where is the love and support for a woman seeking to make history and otherwise do something positive? As Douglas puts it in the HuffPo, "I'm like, `I just made history and people are focused on my hair?' It can be bald or short, it doesn't matter about (my) hair." Priorities, people. Priorities.

To return to insights gained from the Black Women's Life Balance and Wellness Conference, an important part of that weekend had to do with black women choosing to lift each other up in love--and it is a choice. As we performed the exercise in which we gazed at each other in pairs, as I described in my last post, Alexis Gumbs said something powerful: "This is a historic moment in the context of our love for each other." It was profound because we were taking time out to really see one another, without judgment, and only with spirits of affirmation.

If, then, we can support each other's endeavors and really see each other, how much could we accomplish together? If we could put aside the petty differences (like hair preferences) and cultivate "our ability to see the brilliance around us," as Alexis put it, to what extent could we change our world for the better? Ladies, please, let's cut the foolishness and love each other.

Overwhelmed and Grateful: Reflecting on an Amazing Weekend

We began by staring into each other's eyes for a whole minute. Silently. We were strangers, and this was awkward, to say the least. We giggled, fidgeted, shifted nervously in our seats, and glanced around the room. Eventually, we got down to business and tried to focus on staring at each other. When the interminable minute was up, we revealed what we had seen in each other during that time. I saw an amazing beauty; she saw kindness and warmth. We were one pair of women in a roomful, and we were beginning the end of an overwhelming weekend in Atlanta.

I still haven't really processed it all. I mean, it's taken me a week to get myself together and write about it! I was blessed enough to attend the 2nd Black Women's Life Balance & Wellness Conference in Atlanta, GA, held July 13-15. As the conference's website states, the planners of the conference "acknowledge that endeavoring to achieve career, family-life, and personal life balance is an ongoing challenge!" So, a group of talented, intelligent, beautiful black women converged on the Atlanta University Center's Robert W. Woodruff Library to encourage, inspire, and support one another. It was awesome! There's really too much to talk about; I'm probably going to cover aspects of it over several posts. However, I'll begin with the end.

Our closing session on Sunday was conducted by Pauline Mckenzie-Day and Alexis Pauline Gumbs, a mother/daughter doula team. Instead of helping to birth babies, however, they used this session to nurture the new selves that were birthed over the weekend. After discussing the gazing session, Pauline and Alexis asked us pairs to share with each other the visions that we have for ourselves, our hopes and fears. We followed that sharing by crafting haikus of affirmation for our partners, based on what we'd learned from them. My partner wrote such an insightful piece for me:

The intent is yours

You know what needs to be known

Content in intent

Yeah, it's definitely taped onto my bathroom mirror. I read it every day, and it sticks with me because it's true: I do know what needs to be known as I come closer and closer to discovering my passions and putting them into action. Meanwhile, I strive to be content--and no longer anxious or disappointed!--with the process.

Finally, we closed by forming a large circle and, one after another, expressing sounds that would create the ideal situation for a baby to be born into. As the sounds cascaded with each added voice, I smiled to hear, "Yes!" and "Welcome" and "Thank you," along with singing, humming, and sighing. It was the perfect way to welcome our new selves into the world, and I look forward to implementing some of the ideas those wonderful women shared. Step 1: make an important phone call that might transform my ideas into the tangible. More on that later. ;-)